Gleanings from the Inner Life of Ruth Bryan
1831
January 10th, Monday.—I am at this time much perplexed on the subject of family prayer. Since the death of my beloved father, it has been quite neglected, which has long been to me a source of regret. But I cannot decide whether it is my duty to propose it, and engage in so important a service. The Lord alone can give me courage for it, and until I am convinced that it would be in accordance with His heavenly will, I dare not attempt it. May He decide the doubtful case, and cause clear light to shine upon the path of duty, which at present appears enveloped in thick darkness.
May 17th.—My mind is this morning much depressed; I do not attain to that establishment in the faith which I long for, and two very pious friends have informed me that they think I do not seek it sufficiently, and that I refuse consolation, and cast comfort away from me. Surely, did they know the conflict I endure, and the anguish which frequently oppresses my afflicted bosom, they would not think I should refuse that comfort which alone can hush the storm into a calm. I think those who are enjoying full assurance cannot enter into the feelings of trembling, tempest-tossed souls like mine. If, however, I have been guilty on this point, may the Lord convince me of it, and make the reproof very profitable, though it has painfully wounded my comfortless heart.
July 18th.—I have just had to endure a severe mortification. The day before yesterday I entreated the Lord to send mortification and disappointment, if He saw it for my spiritual good. But, alas! I find it is easier to talk about than to bear. The flesh is as rebellious as ever, and would fain persuade me that such contrary things can never work for my good. Shall I then withdraw my plea, and supplicate for ease? Ah, no! but rather that my rebellion may be forgiven, and patience granted to suffer all the Lord's will, and consider all these trials but light and momentary, looking not at them—but at the eternal and exceeding weight of glory!
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