Gleanings from the Inner Life of Ruth Bryan
1839
January 27th, Sacrament Sabbath.—Oh, what manifest outward mercies have I been the subject of, since this time last month! How does my cup run over, and how am I astonished at it, often exclaiming, "Why me? Why, oh why am I so blessed?" Dear Jesus, sanctify the temporal mercies You have given; let me enjoy You in and with them—or they are all nothing. Prepare me for all Your will; if death is hastening, presence Yourself when I pass through the "dark valley." Oh, then let me FEEL that You have taken the sting out of death, and permit me to go to sleep on Your dear bosom. Precious Jesus, I think I can neither live nor die as I desire, without You. Oh, then, if Your holy will, manifest Yourself in the hour of dissolving nature. But if I must long sojourn here, give patience, give direction, set me apart for Yourself, and let me have much of Your presence, to keep me from the evil of the world. I desire solemnly to yield up myself afresh to You, for time and eternity, desiring to be Yours alone. Oh, enable me to say, "Your will be done." The Lord keep me from sinfully desiring to depart—but surely the upper house has more exalted joys to which we must aspire. A debtor indeed to sovereign, unmerited mercy.
February 8th.—
"Did ever trouble yet befall,
And He refuse to hear my call?"
Ah! never, never! May I now, then, "trust and not be afraid." Though at present in thick darkness as to the future, I do believe He, the God in whom I trust, will yet appear.
Evening.—Writing to my friend, Mrs. H—, I felt cold, barren, and empty. But before I concluded, the precious Comforter came, and I had again such ecstasy in the foreviews of glory as I cannot describe. But I have frequently had such lately in the midst of deep conflicts. To what it is a prelude, I know not. The enemy says, "Perhaps a dark death-bed, or some heavy trial." Well, I leave it to that dear Lord who sent this beam of glory. It is a pledge of the future, whatever may come between. "Praise the Lord, O my soul."
February 16th.—The dear Lord has condescended again to appear in His wonderful character, as the Hearer and Answerer of prayer. Oh, what miracles of mercy to such a wretch! Now, precious, lovely Savior, I look up to You for support. Mortify and crucify the flesh as You will—only sustain and comfort. I have waited—but not in vain.
February 22nd.—I am exercised much with felt barrenness and coldness. Mr. Romaine might well say, "It is like leaping overboard in a storm, to venture on Christ alone for salvation, under coldness;" and so I find it—but desire afresh to cast myself upon Him—all empty, sinful, and barren as I feel. I am not more so in reality at this time than I always am in myself. It is His light, and love, and power which glow in my bosom when my case is revived; and, perhaps, it is because I have counted these gifts my OWN that they are withdrawn. Afresh, then, precious Jesus, I do venture on Your person and work, Your blood and righteousness, for salvation, and desire to wait with longing and wrestling until You shall again appear.
February 26th.—Disease seems to be decidedly fastening upon the walls of this clay tabernacle. Well, it is condemned; come down, it must—the time and means I leave with my dear Lord. I have felt much of cloud on my mind, through sin and clinging too much to some earthly objects. The dear Lord pardon, restore, and snap the ties which bind me down to earth. Oh that my dear friends might be wings to me, instead of fetters.
March 3rd.—What will be the issue of my present exercises I know not—but have lately experienced much hot fighting, considerable outward perplexity, and seem to have "Ichabod" strongly stamped on all created good; with which I have had also mingled sweet views of Christ as my own precious, precious Savior, my Law-fulfiller, my Surety, my Head, my All; and also such ecstatic sips of glory as have made my poor soul pant and long to be away to the full enjoyment of it. Never did my heart so bound at the thought of being absent from the body, and present with the Lord, as lately. If this is the Holy Spirit's work, may it increase; if from the flesh, may the sacred Comforter take it away, cost what it will. Afresh I commit myself into the hands of a covenant God in Christ, for either life or death, sickness or health—as shall seem good to Him; only praying to be set apart more for His service, and to be brought to walk closer with Him. Still, my soul seems to cling to an early dismissal and an abundant entrance. But, says something, "How dare you hope for such favor?" All through the person and work, love, blood, and righteousness of my most precious Redeemer, on whom I now again fall for full and free salvation. The Lord pardon what is mine, and strengthen what is from Himself.
March 11th.—The sun shines cheerfully, and all looks smiling around—but it is nothing to me, for my Savior is absent, and my soul joyless. Disease seems advancing, and I am agonized with the fear that, after all my cries, I have been left to myself, and must henceforth walk in darkness.
March 17th.—The tempter foiled, my Savior faithful, and my poor soul relieved. The storm has subsided—but its effects are not quite gone; the foaming and dashing of the waves are over—but still they ripple; and though their sound is dying away, it at present prevents that calm view of my danger and deliverance with which I hope yet to be favored. I see enough, however, to adore my most precious Savior; and, though the most cowardly creature that ever fought under His banner, I believe He will get honour to His great name by gaining me the conquest, and then crowning me with victory. Oh, wondrous Savior, to do the work, bear the suffering, and bestow upon me the reward. Give, oh, give me a heart to praise, love, and adore You. Holy Comforter, come again, come again, and speak peace through blood. Oh bathe me in that living, healing, cleansing stream. Breathe, oh breathe, on this dry, barren, cold heart! Have I grieved You? oh, melt me into penitence, and then seal home pardon. Hope revives.
March 20th.—This poor tabernacle seems fast weakening. Do I wish to live? Not for anything on earth—but I do want the light of my heavenly Father's countenance. Jesus, my own precious Savior, is absent, and all is cheerless to my soul. Oh, come, come and visit and comfort me. You are faithful, and will not allow Satan to triumph—but he does taunt and buffet me; and it is hard to bear it in the dark. Well, cheer up, poor soul; be not so cowardly: this is the place for fighting, and the Captain of your salvation will yet show Himself more than a match for your enemies. Oh that it were morning. My Savior is with me—but I want to see Him.
March 25th.—Wonders, wonders of grace and mercy! The dear Lord revealed Himself to me again this morning, as my covenant God in Christ. I would praise Him for renewed tokens of salvation and temporal mercies, coming as covenant blessings. The Lord bless my blessings, and only give what He will bless to me.
[Sweet expression, "The Lord bless my blessings." Dear reader, is this the language of your heart?]
March 26th.—A beam of heavenly sunshine, a ray of glory has been mercifully let into my soul this morning; the devil told me it would never come again. But Jesus is faithful, though I am most ungrateful. The harp in tune.
March 27th.—This naughty, naughty flesh is here yet, and distressingly active; the dear Lord be pleased to subdue it. Oh, my precious Savior, come and conquer Your and my enemies. I want to be Yours alone, without one wandering desire. But, ah! it is not so. I need again the balsam of Your blood.
March 30th.—Never had anyone so rich a Banker, so kind a Husband, so tender a Shepherd, and so forbearing a Captain—as I have in my glorious Christ. The more I venture, the more He encourages; the bolder I am, the kinder He grows; the more I expect, the more He gives. I cannot tire or wear Him out, for He is full, yes, fullness of grace, mercy, love, and compassion. The one-half of His glory has never been expressed by mortal tongue, nor the thousandth part of His ravishments and condescension conceived by those who have not felt them. This, this is my—oh yes!—MY Beloved, and this is my Friend! Hasten the day when in His full-orbed glory I shall lose my sorrows and my sins forever! Oh, what mercy to have another love-glimpse. Praise, oh, praise God, my covenant God; join me, you saints on earth, and in heaven, to adore and magnify Him for His mercy—amazing mercy—to a vile Magdalene. Hallelujah. Amen.
April 3rd.—Blessed beyond measure with comfort, peace, and joy—all flowing through the bleeding heart of Christ—my Savior, Husband, Friend, Surety, All. The desire to be with Him in glory continues and increases; therefore there is hope in this thing, that my Beloved is about to consummate my happiness. Dearest Jesus, give patience. Pardon what is mine; strengthen what is Yours. Accomplish Your own purpose in this frail tabernacle; and then fetch me home! Come with Death, precious Christ. I tremble at him without Your presence. Oh, come, and let me breathe out my soul on Your bosom, in Your embrace. Much for me to ask—but not too much for You to give. Your kindness makes me bold. For Your own love's sake, grant my request, or give submission; and, if not seen, support secretly. Darkness and light are both alike to You; and if it is a dark going to sleep, it will be a bright awaking. Help me to feel "Your will be done." "Bless the Lord, O my soul." Saints and angles, join me to praise Him. Creation, animate and inanimate, I would you were all in tune to praise Him who has done so much for me. Eternity is coming, and then I shall never tire. But shout, methinks, louder than all the blood-washed throng, "He loved me and gave Himself for me." I wait, Lord, Your will.
April 5th.—Tempest-tossed again! Enabled this morning to commit my case afresh to Jesus, the "Wonderful Counselor;" and am waiting for Him to break the temptation.
April 8th.—My Beloved is come again over the mountains of my sin and guilt. I can now shout, Victory, victory, through the blood of the Lamb! Oh, the sweet, blessed visits my dear Lord pays me! Pen cannot write it, tongue cannot utter it. Praise Him, oh, praise Him with and for me!
May 4th.—Since writing the above, I have been confined to my room by illness; and oh, the sweet, blessed season it has been to my soul, none can conceive but those who have felt the same. My most precious Savior has made all my bed in my affliction, sensibly communed with my soul, and revealed Himself in such glory and majesty—that it seemed nothing but an entrance into His immediate presence could satisfy me. Oh, what delightful views have I had of the stability of the everlasting covenant, and the safety of my, and every, soul hanging on the blood and righteousness of Jesus—the faithfulness of Jehovah being pledged for their security; and what can go beyond that? It is indeed "strong consolation." Bodily strength seems a little returning. It will be hard work to come into the world again. The Lord give submission.
May 23rd.—My health apparently improving. I wait the will of my dear Lord, who will do the best—the very best for me. He has given Himself to me for time and eternity—what can He withhold? Still, to enter again into active life, or at least the prospect of it, has been the severest disappointment I ever met; for I thought my feet were on the very threshold of my Father's house, and with ecstatic joy, inexpressible by mortal strains, I did in spirit join the bright host above in Hallelujah to Him who sits upon the throne, and to the Lamb who was slain! Oh, yes, indeed I did seem to catch the strains of celestial harmony, and fragrant breezes from the everlasting hills were breathed around me. How could I, then—but long to be away? My own precious Savior, I bow to Your will; only keep me from dishonoring You, and use me for Your glory. I tremble—how do I tremble at myself. But afresh I throw myself into the arms of covenant love, to be preserved from all evil. I cannot count half the sweet mercies of my affliction. Ebenezer!
May 24th.—Again last night favored with some of the joys of heaven let into my soul. The ecstatic rapture, the full-flowing tide of felicity with which I have last night, and today, drank of the cup of salvation, is inexpressible. What shall I—what can I—render? My own dear Jesus, You are most sweetly spoiling me for earth; and what then? Ah, You know. But methinks home is the best place for a spoiled child. Go on, blessed Immanuel, with Your work of love; triumphantly I resign all created good for Your embrace. Prepare me for Your will, and give submission. Make use of me for Your glory, and keep me from my own evil ways, and for the rest "Your will be done;" but oh, Your smile, Your embrace, Your unveiled presence; nothing else can fully satisfy a heart so blessed as mine. I thank, laud, and magnify You, O my covenant God, for what I have received, through precious Jesus, by the Holy Comforter—and wait expecting more.
May 26th.—
"Now let my songs abound,
And every tear be dry,
I'm marching through Immanuel's ground,
To fairer worlds on high."
Then, O my soul, droop not because you must stay a little longer here—but take up your cross and follow, closely follow your Lord—happy, beyond expression, in my precious Jesus. Oh, adorable Prince of Life, and Eternal Father in Christ, You have condescended by the power of the Spirit to absorb my soul, engage my affections, and, as one says, "Were all creatures extinguished, I am happy beyond conception in the enjoyment of Your love." Jesus Christ has come in the flesh; here is the ground of my confidence, joy, triumph: Christ Jesus, my Savior, has lived righteously, died willingly, lovingly, and conqueringly. Yes, "He conquered when He fell," has risen triumphantly, ascended gloriously, and sent down the dear Holy Comforter into my soul, to witness all this that has been done for me—accepted by the Father, my Father, for me—to say that Jesus lives for me—now, and will ever live; and "because He lives I shall live also," being a part of Himself, His flesh and His bones.
Oh, wonderful, incomprehensible, soul-ravishing truth! One with Jesus, one with the Father, heir of God, joint-heir with Christ: must I not praise, adore, and magnify my most glorious covenant God in Christ? Oh, yes, I must; the year of jubilee has come; the tabernacle of God is with men! In Christ we are restored to that state in which God can walk with us in the cool of the day; and commune with us of covenant love and purposes: which are not trusted in our hands—but deposited in Christ, the precious Treasury, and from Him dealt out to us as we need. "Thanks be unto God for His unspeakable gift!" Thanks unto Him that we, poor bankrupts have an inexhaustible fortune placed in the keeping of a loving, kind, bountiful Banker, who will not let us lack any good, or trust us with too much at once. Oh, it is sweet to grace, though mortifying to nature, to live on His bounty; to come every moment for more strength, more patience, more faith, more love—everything we need. He loves large requests, and is honored by great expectations.
I bless and glorify You, O immaculate Prince of Life; and You, Almighty Abba, Father, in Christ Jesus; and You, holy, blessed Comforter—my near, kind, faithful Friend. I adore and thank Your Divine Majesty, the one Triune Jehovah, for all I have received and enjoyed of You; and I humbly, believingly, for Christ's sake, in Jesus' name, ask, long, and wait for more. Oh, nothing, nothing but the Fountain Head above can satisfy the thirst of love! Happy, happy Sabbath morning, a foretaste of the eternal rest-day, rejoicing-day, Sabbatic-day, on which my spirit longs to enter in my Lord's time. Well may I wait, when heaven is sent into my soul on earth; hallelujah! hallelujah! "The Lord God omnipotent reigns!" "May Your kingdom come." Amen. Hallelujah!
May 29th.—A bleeding heart! I have only returned to life afresh to agonize and suffer in the flesh. But do I repine? Ah! no; "my spirit rejoices in God my Savior," and now says, "Your will be done." My own dear, precious Jesus, You are mine—there is ecstacy in the thought! Amputate right hands, pluck out right eyes, where You see needful. Love will guide the knife, and, though I suffer, my spirit cries, "Go on, dearest Lord—separate me from all that keeps me from You! Give Yourself in close communion—and all is well." God is my refuge, and I shall not be destitute; the enemy may taunt in my weakness—but he shall not triumph. God, who is my strength, will arise, and I shall yet—yes, I do now—praise, adore, laud, magnify, love, and give myself joyfully to Him! Yes, I do it now, in this low, low place. Oh, for fresh sensible realization of blood, love, and righteousness—to wash, robe, and crown me!
May 30th.—I seem to have found something of the blessedness of living upon Christ, and I want it more fully. I dread the very thought of living myself again—this is a wretched life. But the happy, happy one is, "not I—but Christ lives in me;" and the life I now live in the flesh, I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. Oh, wonderful! for ME; transporting, soul-ravishing truth; to live thus is indeed blissful, solid, and scriptural too; the Lord grant it me, more and more.
[Reader, it is clear that all the teaching and training to which the Lord had been subjecting His servant was to bring about this gracious end—the "ceasing from man"—the crucifixion of the flesh; or, as she here significantly expresses it, the "living myself." She was sensibly to "die daily," in order that Christ, in His glorious person and perfect work, should become more manifestively her "wisdom, righteousness, sanctification, and redemption;" yes, her ALL AND IN ALL."]
June 1st.—"Behold, I am vile." I have sinned, sinned against love, mercy, and unspeakable favor; my heart is torn with anguish at my ingratitude, and weakness. But I fly to that dear heart which was torn with deeper anguish for this very sin. Oh, yes, to Jesus I must go, deep and dark as is the character of my guilt; for to despair of mercy would add another stain. O Jesus! You can pardon my sin, and I believe You will—Lord, speak, comfort, cleanse, restore—
"Foul, I to the fountain fly,
Wash me, Savior, or I die!"
How does it agonize my soul that I have sinned against a Father, a dear kind Father, who loves me, loves me so as to give His well-beloved Son for me; loves me so that nothing can sever me from that love, not even my vile transgressions. Forgive, Holy Father; for Christ's sake, forgive! You do, You have forgiven me all sin! I cannot, dare not doubt it. But I want fresh manifestations of Your pardoning mercy, as new guilt arises. Oh, yes! I want Your love again to flow through the bleeding heart of my precious Savior, and, by the unctuous power of my most Holy Comforter, applied to my soul. I ask it humbly and believingly (oh, pardon every atom of unbelief), for Christ's sake, in Jesus name.
June 2nd.—Are pardon and peace again mine? Oh, yes! thanks to the Holy Spirit, my faithful Friend, who will "not allow sin upon me" without sharp reproof. Thanks, most Divine Comforter, that You have enabled me to confess my sin, with all its aggravation, known and unknown; yes, and the evils of my whole life, with the pollution of my nature, upon the head of Christ's most perfect sacrifice, and by faith to receive cleansing in His precious blood, and justification in His perfect righteousness. Thanks to my reconciled Father for pardon, through His dear Son, my dear Savior—thanks for calmness. But yet I want the kiss of communion, close, actual, soul-absorbing communion. I ask it, Holy Father, in the name of Jesus, by the power of the Spirit, nor shall I ask in vain! Praise for salvation by grace!
It is hard work to trust sin with Christ, felt sin, fresh sin, Spirit-revealed sin. But it is very safe and very relieving; for in the ocean of His blood it sinks, never to condemn us! Oh, for a clean conscience, ever purged, constantly purged by blood; it is healthy to wash often, and not allow sin to grow hard upon the conscience, for that affords food for unbelief and triumph for Satan. Oh, did the dear people of God live nearer the fountain, and more frequently apply to it—we would have more rejoicing in the camp of our Israel. The Holy Spirit revive His work.
June 4th.—A sweet feast from 1 John 5:13, which came in this way, "I have written unto you who believe in the name of the Son of God, that you may know that you have eternal life, and that you may believe;" that you may know you are safe—but not rest satisfied, saying, I have believed—but still go on believing, "that you may believe;" how sweetly did it show the continuation of the life of faith, that as far as the believer is healthy, it is a continual believing, living on Christ. The Holy Spirit bring me more into this single-eyed faith, that every day I may know I have eternal life, and may believe. The first epistle of John has been to me lately a garden of most fragrant sweets and delicious fruits. Thanks for the Holy Bible, and the Sacred Spirit shining on its dear contents.
June 9th.—Thanksgiving, adoration, and praise to my covenant God for the blessed sermon the sacred Comforter has preached into my soul this morning. Oh, I never had such Sabbaths in my life. This morning my feast was from Galatians 2:17-20, whence was given such a view of Gospel liberty and living Christ as I think I never had, showing, from that and Romans 7, how the believer may, even in this body of death, and while groaning under it—be free from condemnation, dead to the law as regards justification, and dead to sin, even while feeling it alive in him, and hating it too; and all through recognizing himself complete in Christ, who has for him fulfilled the whole law; yes, magnified it to the utmost extent of its righteous claims, and for him also atoned fully for his every breach of it, so that now, what can the law say to him? He is dead to it and alive to God, and now brings forth the fruits of love, which are richer and riper far than any produced by "do and live." Live and do is blessed work, because it is "not I—but Christ who lives in me;" and "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."
Dear Comforter, O condescending Teacher, be pleased to seal home Your truth in my soul, that I may not only see it and rejoice in its light—but feel it and live in its power. I am not afraid of sin gaining more power while I am viewing Christ with both eyes, and believing on Him for justification. I truly think our slips come from looking at our way, or our feet, instead of Christ. When the eye of faith is steadily fixed on Christ, I can trust Him to keep my feet even. But as soon as I begin to square them myself, that I may take some graceful step, and then look at Christ, and see how He is glorified thereby—down I come; and in the dust must hide my blushing face, ashamed of not being pleased as the Eternal Father is, that "in Him should all fullness dwell," and from Him should we receive it. Lord, teach me to live Christ!
[Reader, mark the saying—it contains volumes. Until we are brought to "live Christ," we shall never know what real Gospel rest is.]
June 14th.—Dearest Jesus, I leave my case in Your hands. Oh, be much with me in communion, until You shall call me up to be with You forever. My heart aches. What a poor soldier! Sure of victory—and yet shrinking from the contest. Lord, pardon—but oh! I must desire to be where my heart is already.
June 16th, Sabbath.—"I have found Him of whom Moses in the law and the prophets, did write,"—precious, dear, adorable Jesus; and, with Him in the arms of my faith, I can say, "Lord, now let Your handmaid depart in peace, for my eyes have seen Your salvation." It seems to me that the Holy Comforter is showing me more and more beauty and comfort in a life of faith on the Son of God—which is continual living out of self on Christ. Also, intermixing the same with sweet foretastes of another life, still more delightful, namely, the life of glory above; the former I long to be getting deeper into while here—but the latter, in the full beaming presence of my glorified Lord, is what my soul intensely longs for. Make haste, my Beloved, and cut short the hours of Your delay. But still, what is sinfully impatient I pray You to pardon and subdue.
Ten thousand thanks for the sweetness I find in Christ under every circumstance. Reveal Him more and more fully, Almighty Spirit, that I may continually rejoice in the Father through Him, and thus commune with the Three-One Jehovah. Oh, for more of Christ! All things else are sinking into shadows; and my soul, absorbed with His overwhelming majesty and grace, would forget that earth and creatures still enfetter me. Oh, did dear Christians see half the beauty and holiness of Christ I now behold, they would press with more eager concern to walk very closely with Him; indeed, it is worth any sacrifice. May the most Holy Comforter descend with more manifest unction, that we, who are "risen with Christ," may "seek those things which are above."
June 18th.—My heart is full of happiness in Christ, who is all—all to me! How do I mourn to find so few dear believers LIVING CHRIST, and forsaking all for Christ. I have an intense desire that my own dearly-beloved mother may have Christ revealed in her soul, and walk in the sense of union to Him. Holy Spirit, condescend to show the sweet simplicity of the Gospel; enable her to embrace Christ under the deepest sense of her miseries, and she will—oh, yes, she will—feel the power come from Him. Dear Jesus! I never thought to find such a heaven on earth as I now enjoy in You; and then the Heaven of heavens! Vile, helpless, guilty as ever in myself—but finding a perfect salvation in a perfect Christ! Oh! wonders of rich, sovereign grace! Ebenezer! Praise the Lord!
June 19th.—On first waking this morning I trembled exceedingly, as I usually do, lest I should dishonor Christ, and begin to live myself again. Felt most sensibly my weakness, and the pollution and depravity of my whole nature, and longed to find refuge in Christ; and feared lest I should sink into myself, and dishonor my precious Savior, by unbelievingly viewing the disease greater than the remedy; when these words came, "He will not allow your foot to be moved." Oh, how sweetly suitable! I long, every day, to lose my life for Christ; that is, count upon, wish for, no enjoyment but Him, and to lose myself in Christ; taking up the cross He appoints, and only desiring to feed upon, grow up into, and be absorbed with Christ. Lord Jesus, I plead the promise You have given; accomplish it, to the glory of Your own name, in which the Father and the Spirit are also glorified, and the one Triune Jehovah honored.
June 23rd.—I have fed and feasted richly upon Christ the last week; to ballast me, I have, last night and today, had strong temptations. Satan envies my happiness, and, because sin is still in me, would have me again in bondage. But my trust is in the Lord my God, and, though in deep conflict and a vile sinner, I am not destroyed, and shall lose nothing in the furnace but dross. Jesus, my own Savior, sits by, though not so visibly; His heart sympathizes, while mine is agonizing; and He will—oh, yes!—He will deliver. I think I am willing to live, fight, suffer, or do anything (but sin), so that my dear Jesus may be glorified in me. Oh! I want to live Christ now, henceforth, and forever! There will be no fighting soon; it will be (oh, happy thought!) all communion. "Lord, increase my faith." It is a mercy, when one is in darkness, that it is a darkness which may be felt; the darkness which is not felt must be the darkness of the dead. But the very feeling it, is proof of life. "Rejoice not against me, O my enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me."
June 25th.—Yesterday, and last night again, exceedingly harassed by Satan and the flesh. But found the cross of Christ my place of refuge, and from a dear, once crucified, but now glorified Savior—did receive strength in the battle, sympathy in the suffering, and assurance of victory through His blood. Oh, the sweet wonders of a life of simple faith in Christ! From what little I know, I am sure it is the most flesh-humbling, sin-subduing, world-crucifying, Satan-defeating life in the world! Unbelief is the source of my misery. "Lord, increase my faith." Precious Jesus, You are as full as ever; the more I enjoy You, the more I see yet to be enjoyed. The larger draughts I drink of "salvation by grace," the more overflowing seems the fountain. And the more I get into its depths, the more unfathomable seems that delightful ocean. Thanks, thanks to a covenant God for a salvation planned, accomplished, and applied.
June 30th.—From the present appearance of my improving health, it seems I have longer to live in this dreary wilderness than once I hoped. I cannot tell what is the meaning of my blessed Savior; I thought He intimated to me the contrary, by the soul-ravishing views of glory with which He favored me. But, however, I am nothing shaken as regards His faithfulness. I am quite sure that not one word of all He has promised shall fail me. Should it prove otherwise, it was my ignorance which misinterpreted the voice of my Beloved, and not His alteration of either purpose or promise. Blessed be His name, "He is the Rock, His work is perfect."
Much in temptation the last few days, and unbelief sorely buffeting me. How I detest and tremble at this old enemy, which has been allowed so much quarter that it now makes desperate efforts. But my precious Savior stands by me—yes, fights for me. I only fail when I go forth in my own strength. I have had some jealousies, because the actual and near communion which I enjoyed has been withheld. But, however, I find in my living Jesus all I need; and when it will be for His glory and my good, He will again beam upon me the bright rays of His life-giving countenance.
Lord Jesus, I am Yours. I long to see You—but submit to Your will, and again unreservedly lay before You myself, with all I have and am, to be at Your disposal, and used for Your glory; only crucify self, and live in me henceforth and forever! Amen.
July 6th, my Birthday.—The mercies which have followed me through the past year are overwhelming and astonishing. "Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His Holy name!" Most precious Jesus, I desire through You solemnly now to take hold of Your covenant, into the bonds of which Yourself have brought me. In it You promise to "put Your fear into Your people's heart, that they shall not depart from You." I plead for the fulfillment of this in my experience, and entreat that I may be Yours manifestly and entirely, henceforth and forever; to be by You used for Your own glory, as a vessel polished for Your service, and to reflect Your image. Whatever fire-and-water exercise may be needful for this polishing, I humbly yield myself thereto, leaving all I have and am at Your disposal. I do now fearlessly and joyfully surrender myself to You (oh, happy privilege!) as the purchase of Your own blood, and, therefore, Your undoubted right. I am no longer my own—but Yours; and You, O precious Jesus, are mine forever! Cause me, by Your Spirit's power, continually to abide in You, and walk closely with You. It would be pleasant to be at home with You—but the length of my sojourn here I leave with You, only be glorified in me—by life or death.
August 12th.—I have been hearing such glorious things from Mr. T—, about my glorious Christ and His Church, that quite astonish and delight me. Truly, "I am of yesterday, and know nothing," but still am not discouraged thereby. I bless and praise the dear Comforter, that He has taught me that Christ is mine, with all He is and has for His Church. I wait, therefore, at His threshold, and seek further entrance. Holy Teacher, what I know not—teach You; from Yourself I must receive it. What, oh, what am I born to possess and enjoy in knowing Christ! the thousandth part was never told me. Though a very babe, I can praise, bless, and adore my covenant God for what I have received, and still cry, "More of Christ, more of Christ!"
September 1st.—"I am as a wonder unto many—but You are my strong refuge." Some look at me with wonder of pleasure to see me brought back for a little space from the gates of death. Some look at me with wonder of admiration, to see the poor prisoner set at liberty, and "the tongue of the stammerer speaking plainly." Some look at me with wonder of jealousy, "lest, having begun in the Spirit, I now am expecting to be made perfect in the flesh." Others look at me with wonder of expectation, thinking the feast will be over, and I shall "return to my own sad place." And I look at myself with wonder of amazement and overwhelming delight, because a monument of saving, sovereign mercy! Happy! happy, unspeakably happy! with Christ in my heart, the hope of glory. Wonder, O heavens! and be astonished, O earth! for the Lord Himself has done it. "He has comforted His people, and will have mercy upon His afflicted."
September 2nd.—A letter today from dear Mr. T— so full of the glories of my precious Christ. What am I, that such "handfuls of purpose" should be let fall for me? Ah! it is what Christ is. From Him come all my blessings and blessedness. One with him, as He is one with the Father. Amazing miracle of superabounding love! The dear Lord bless Mr. T—, in return for his kindness to poor Ruth, the Moabitish damsel.
September 11th.—Ah! dearest Jesus, it were easy to burn for You when Your sweet love burns hot in me!
September 16th.—Bless God for the Bible!
September 29th.—O my Christ, Jehovah, "You have triumphed gloriously, for the horse and his rider You have cast into the sea." Yes, even Satan, my strong enemy, who was tempting me to doubt Your divinity. Awful, terrible insinuation. But with this passage You have foiled Him: "And let all the angels of God worship Him;" and this from the eternal Jehovah, who thus commands my Christ to be worshiped. Here, then, is my authority; higher there cannot be. Oh, how my soul does dance and sing; it is safe, very safe, to give Satan with his blackest lies into the hands of Jesus. Here we are sure of victory, he of defeat; and, whatever he may suggest to us, he is obliged to bow at that mighty name, and to acknowledge, "I know You, who You are, the Holy One of God!" Victory is mine, through the blood of the Lamb!
November 4th.—"My feet had almost gone, my steps had well near slipped;" looking too much at "things seen," and listening to the flesh, under circumstances which are very contrary to it, I was seized with deep depression. But have just been much refreshed by sitting down on the Ebenezer-stone erected September 14. The dear Lord has inspired me with new vigor, and again I yield my all to His disposal, acknowledging with shame, that it is my unbelief and fleshliness that are the cross of the cross. Dear, precious Savior, pardon and restore; I tremble lest I should sink down into self again! My Jesus, prevent it, by Your mighty power. Holy Comforter, teach me how to live Christ at all times, in all conditions.
Christ is my day, and I am my own black night. When I walk in the day (in Christ) I stumble not—but when I walk in the night (in self)—ah! then it is I stumble, then I fall. But where do I fall? Oh, into the arms of my beloved Jesus! When He has taught me my weakness, then again He bears me up in His own strong arm; and, ashamed of my folly, I would hide my blushing face, and desire never, never, to try or trust self again.
November 16th.—"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" A time of especial trial—but Jesus is my support. He does bear me up. To His honour I acknowledge that, "having trusted in Him, I am helped." My Christ, my own beloved and loving Jesus, to You I look; take Your own way—but continue to support. What I now feel of Your supporting power is beyond all I could have hoped for—but You must go on, I still hang dependent upon You; nor will You prove unfaithful. "Choose the way—but still lead on." Implicitly, unreservedly, and entirely, I give all I have and am to Your disposal. Only glorify Yourself in me, and then glorify me with Yourself! "Your will be done." Saturday Evening.—Here closes a week of superabundant mercies.
November 17th.—My Christ, You have heard and answered my prayer and my groaning, and I desire "to praise you with joyful lips." Lead on, dearest Savior; leave me not to myself or Satan. I fall my whole weight upon You, and go forth at Your charges, nor will You disappoint me. It is indeed a "verity," that none who wait on You shall be ashamed. "Lord, increase my faith!"
December 22nd.—Again I have abundant reason to bless my God, that He has inclined and enabled me to put down His dealings with me. With affection, I remember, it was my own dear father who recommended this practice to me; and very, very profitable have I found it. This very day my soul has been energized by perusing a former memorandum. I have discovered I was growing fainthearted and cowardly, and have been encouraged to put my whole trust in the Lord, and expect my whole happiness in Him—in the midst of all outward contradictions and crosses. Verily, I am ashamed that these should have moved me an inch. "Lord, increase my faith." Lord, subdue my unbelief. Lord, pardon my cowardice. Lord Jesus Christ, my dear Savior, be my courage, my victory, my all in all. Most unreservedly I do again commit my all to You, roll my all upon You, not desiring to seek outward alleviation—but embracing You as my all, and praying You would glorify Yourself in me. Though tempted, I am not vanquished. Though cast down, I am not destroyed. I am a conqueror in my precious Jesus, though the battle has been lost a hundred times in myself. "Return unto your rest, O my wandering soul."
December 31st.—Another inch of time concluding, and oh, what loud and lofty songs of praise should sound from my heart, for the supereminent mercies and lovingkindnesses with which I have been crowned this year! It has almost been as the "beginning of years" to me; and yet I do remember the last was rich and favored. Oh, what shall I render? I can only "take the cup of salvation," desire larger, larger, and yet larger draughts, and call joyfully, thankfully, adoringly, upon the name of my God. Oh, ecstatic, ravishing, delightful sound! My God! It is full of unutterable and inexpressible delights to me, who for so long was shivering and shrinking before His presence—as my magnificent, tremendous Judge. Hell seemed to gape upon me; corruption boiled within me; temptation hotly pursued me; the world was gloom around me; and oh, what would I not have given to have been without a soul, a never, never-dying soul!
So filthy, polluted, and distressed—I had at times no hope of mercy. But, ah! my Jesus watched me through those dark times; and, though unseen and unfelt—He bore me up, and, in His time of manifested love, He brought me out in His own light, to see Himself as my Lord, my righteousness, my life, my all. And during this year, with fullness, glory, and nearness unknown before, He has been pleased to shine upon me; and, also, when the rays of glory were withdrawn, He has by the dear sacred Comforter taught me somewhat of a life of simple faith upon Himself, in which I have been made to renounce joys, comforts, enlargements, deliverances, self and creatures—in point of dependence—and hang completely my whole weight upon Jehovah-Jesus. More of this blessed life I long to know, for I do find it flesh-mortifying, world-crucifying, Satan-defeating, sin-subduing, and soul-invigorating—"Lord, increase my faith!" subdue my unbelief. A poor, weak, guilty, hell-deserving creature, I fall at Your feet, my Jesus. "You have redeemed me by Your blood; I am Yours." Oh, use me for Your glory; prepare me for Your will; reveal Yourself still more unto me. By faith I would embrace You for more gratitude, love, faith, submission, patience, courage, and all I need, while in this dreary desert (which You alone can cheer); for all must come from You. Accept a thousand thanks for this sweet year of mercy, and crown me with loving-kindness, though still the cross and conflict must attend.
Faithfulness {Ebenezer, Dec. 31, 1839.} Mercy.
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