I am facing some problems with my boyfriend, and we are both trying to understand God's will on the direction we are to go, whether we should marry or not? Can you help me to find God's will in the matter of finding a life partner?


Obviously, the finding of God's will is the continual pursuit of the Christian.  Here are some thoughts that I have on the subject.

God never plays games with His children concerning His will for their lives. He doesn't just let us go, and then say, "Your getting warmer!" or "You are
getting colder!"  No, God wants us in His perfect will.  Paul tells us some of the things that are God's will:

"Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. [Ephesians 5:17]

1. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit.  [Ephesians 5:18]
2. Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord,  [Ephesians 5:19]
3. Always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.  [Ephesians 5:20]
4. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.  [Ephesians 5:21]
5. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  [Ephesians 5:22]
6. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her  [Ephesians 5:25]
7. Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. [Ephesians 5:28]
8. Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  [Ephesians 6:1]
9. Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.  [Ephesians 6:4]
10. Slaves (employees), obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ.  [Ephesians 6:5]
11. Masters (employers), treat your slaves in the same way. Do not threaten them, since you know that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and there is no favoritism with him.  [Ephesians 6:9]
12. Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  [Ephesians 6:10]

And the best way to determine if we can discern His perfect will is: "Not to conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will."  [Romans 12:2]

All that to say this, that if we "Delight ourselves in the LORD, then He will give us the desires of our heart."  [Psalm 37:4]

Now, I don't know too much about you, but in your email, I sensed that you were seeking after the Lord, and longing to please Him.  If you are truly born-again, by having repented of your sins, and believing in who Jesus claimed to be, and then submitting your life to His control, then you can, discern the will of the Father for your life.  All you have to do is to "delight" yourself in the Lord!

Now, we are all imperfect in our walk, but fortunately, God looks at the heart and not at the outside.  God is concerned about the motives and intents of the heart.  He wants a pure heart, a heart that grieves over sin, and seeks to do better tomorrow.

After we have assured ourselves that we are "delighting" in Him, by doing what He tells us in the Bible, being baptized by immersion after salvation, reading His Word, and praying regularly, and seeking to obey His commands for our lives, then we simply do what our heart leads us to do!

For example, we look closely at what our desires are and what is happening around us (Providence).  It appears that you love your boyfriend, and he loves you.  We know from God's Word that he intends for most men and women to marry and have godly offspring.  Now, there are some whom He has called to a life of singleness, but they will know it.  They will not have a real desire to marry, basically they could do without it.  But those whom God has called to be married, will burn in their hearts with a desire for marriage.  Not necessarily a burning passion for sexual fulfillment, but a longing for a intimate love relationship with another person.  God said it was not good for man (or woman) to be alone, and that they will leave their Father and Mother and become one.

Assuming that you have the desire for marriage which was fairly evident in your email, you must determine if your boyfriend has a similar desire.  His willingness to break off the relationship because of the many years to go, may be prompted by a sincere love for you, and not making you wait all the years of your youth.  Hopefully, in his emails and phone calls you can determine his true heart, for if he deeply loves you he will be concerned with your happiness, and yet could not hide his deep love for you.

Now, also, being a bit more practical.  If this man is God's choice for you, then he must be a true born-again Christian who serves and loves the Lord. The husband is to be the spiritual leader of the wife and family, does he have that potential?  Could you see him in that role?  Is he faithful to you, not flirtatious with other women?  Will he be able to support a family?

Also, look around your life where you are.  What is happening there?  Is there anyone else who would meet the qualifications of a Christian husband, that you could or would be interested in, if your boyfriend didn't exist or left you?  This is simply looking to see if God possibly has someone else in mind for you.  Often times we have the right desires, but just the wrong idea on how to fulfill it.

Lastly, I say the most important thing is to pray very diligently about it. Be honest before God, tell Him what is truly on your heart.  I remember when I was in seminary, and was longing for a Christian woman to be my wife, and yet none seemed to be right for me.  I began to be afraid that maybe God was never going to bring one along.  I didn't know what I would do, I just couldn't imagine living alone all my life.  Then I finally had to deal with that issue, and went before the Father and truly declared, "that even if He never brought a woman for me to marry, I would never leave Him or forsake Him!"  Two weeks after that prayer, in walked Kathy into my life.  A year later we married, and now have six children and a wonderful, wonderful marriage.  God's timing was perfect.

God knows your heart, but wants us to pray so He will get the glory.  You need to cry out to Him what you feel.  If you want to be married now--tell Him.  Tell Him why, that you are lonely, or that you want to have children for His glory, or whatever.  God has not called us to be frustrated, but to live in peace.

I have a few sermons on my website on the sovereignty of God.  These would be good for you to read at this time.  God controls ever event in the Universe.  There is no such thing as luck or chance.  The king's heart is in His hand--he can make him do whatever God wants.  Everything is possible with God.  God listens to His children.  Draw as close as you can to Christ, pouring out your feeling to Him, for He is your true husband.

Added to Bible Bulletin Board's "Tony Capoccia's Questions and Answers" by:

Tony Capoccia
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